Assesment

So what am I doing what am I doing?

Where is this all going?

Okay, okay, how did it start?

Dissatisfaction, frustration, longing, lonliness. That’s where this project comes from.

I returned to Chicago after being in Europe for 5 months. I felt that I did not belong here. My closest friends who feed my joy for life are not here. They are far away. I often feel like I need to walk through the forest. I get depressed. But no one likes that, so every now and then I am fortunate enough to try to take advantage of windows of optimism and creative fire that define my attitude.

            Flooded with ideas, I decided to use them for an Independent Study under the guidance of a great artist who actually likes me more than a little bit.

Without knowing exactly what I was embarking on, I embarked.

I started to deliver anonymous letters. I wanted to poke the unknown thing with a stick and see if it would move. It pretty much didn’t move.

I started interviewing people. I am frustrated with living here. It doesn’t give me what I need. (Still trying to figure out what that means exactly.) I heard different perspectives. I learned that most people are proud to live here. I was disappointed with boring responses like, “The city is beautiful. I love the hustle and bustle and the culture is great. The architecture is beautiful.” That all comes from tourist pamphlets and cliché’s about the city. I am satisfied having given people an unexpected interaction. It’s important to be fearless.

 I drew what I imagined people thought when they received the letters I distributed.

Drawing is where I can produce my thoughts more concisely than writing. For some reason, drawing makes me feel productive. I have a need to feel productive. I think it’s sometimes like a compulsion.

            My prediction is that most people are not open minded enough to respond to my letters. People are afraid and not creative.

 I went to an art fair and collected information from people. I think this could work on the street too because, compared to the letter distribution, it is personal, I am there asking someone face-to-face and I can explain to them if they need it.

 I started making some drawings based off of what I collected at the art fair. Not sure yet how it will manifest.

So, what can I conclude from this, what points of clarity can I use to progress from?

I don’t want to live here. But I do live here now. I have a desire to address my feelings head on in an effort to resolve them and to be more self-aware.

 Why don’t I want to live here?

            Relationships to people are the most important thing. Can I really say what is most important? Relationships with people who I can easily relate to, who support me, who I support in what is most important to us. I have some great friends who I talk to often about my anxieties and excitements, dreams, etc.

            I am constantly thinking of not an ideal lifestyle that I want forever, but what I need right now. I think of this because I get to that low point where I am unmotivated and have a low self-esteem. There’s a lot of resistance to say and hear that kind of statement today in our culture. I need to read David Foster Wallace’s A Supposedly Fun Thing I’ll Never Do Again.

Where I live, why I am unsatisfied with the location has to do with the people in my life, my identity. If living here makes me feel certain things I want to know why. I want to investigate and to make my problems fodder for my creative work. Creative work and friendships are where I find purpose in life. Some people transcend needing to have a purpose, but I haven’t transcended.

 Living here (what’s that?) sometimes makes (or do I “make”) me feel shitty.

 So obviously I don’t want to feel shitty if I can avoid it.  But I recognize that it presents a lot to think about and work through, grow from; can lead to creativity.

What do I want out of my living place? Ability to be creative, place that feeds my self-confidence and motivation, contact with people that I love and support and who do the same for me.

If you can choose where to live, how do you choose?

Now I have more ideas.

I need to deliver letters again because I am dissatisfied with where the letter project stands right now. I’ll revise it.

I will go to the places that people have mentioned in the interviews. I will take pictures and write while in those places. I will create a book. The format and tone of the book will be derived from Calle’s Appointment with Sigmund Freud book.

I have started to ask 10 different people to tell me the following factual info about themselves:

Today (or tomorrow, just choose one day to record the following factual info)

What did you eat

How much time did you sleep

What kind of exercise did you do, and how much (walk, bike, run, yoga, etc.)

What did you wear

How much time did you spend indoors and outdoors

 I will use this information to look closer at my identity. I’ll compare myself to the other people. I am not going to say right now what I plan to do because I need to keep it a secret until it’s all done so that it doesn’t alter what they tell me. (in case they look at this blog)